At Jack White’s headlining performance in Gulf Shores, Alabama last night, Guinness officials were anxiously awaiting the beginning of Mr. White’s concert (the start of which is apparently very difficult to determine stated Guinness Records reps, music being played notwithstanding). They were there so that they could begin the exhausting process of counting each and every metaphor that occurred onstage as Mr. White attempted to break the record of most metaphors in a single concert.

They definitely had a task in front of them as in the first song alone, three officials that were flown in from the Guinness world headquarters in the anteroom of the Salt and Muskrat pub in Tipperary, counted no less than twelve hundred and three metaphors in three minutes.

Some metaphors were lyrical and others came from moments such as lighting changes and even the calm weather itself during the chorus which momentarily had the feel of Grandma’s house in winter. By the seventh song alone the hard work led two of the Guinness officials to wander to the catering table, leaving the counting to their partner who, new to the grueling scientific process involved, accidentally counted 312 similes and three mere comparisons.

Metaphors were occurring in the thousands by this point, some coming from the clothing the musicians had on, others from the colors used on one of the microphone cables which were easter candy blue, making the task of counting extremely trivial or at the very least hard work.

Then tragedy struck and the record attempt had to be forfeited by Jack White when during the second half of the set Mr. White trivialized a metaphor by saying it too quickly. It was something about the moon being a faucet of light but was uttered too fast to be counted.

Guinness representatives will return to tomorrow night’s show to begin the exhaustive, scientific, and absolutely authoritative and factual process all over again.

Third Man Records is proud to announce that Jack White has again decided to take on the tremendous challenge of getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

During the rest of the performances on his current tour supporting his new album “Blunderbuss” (which incidentally is currently in the running for the world record of “the fastest named album in history” *pending), Jack White will every night on stage attempt to break the world record for most metaphors in a single concert.

The attempt may prove very exhausting and at times even dangerous, but the results could prove to be glorious and possibly even vainglorious. We are certain that the extremely scientific and intricate analysis of the metaphors that occur will be examined in accordance with Guinness’ usually very thorough methods probably, or at the very least if somebody answers the phone at the pub.

Third Man Records encourages all attendees of said concerts to please not interfere or interject with any metaphors that they witness occur during the show as to not disqualify or worse yet, trivialize the metaphor in question. In addition all concert attendees are encouraged to entice as many metaphors to occur during the show that they possibly can as long as they don’t endanger themselves or Mr. White.

Let’s all help to make history folks! Thank you and we’ll see you in the record books!